Over the course of this semester, I’ve had some major revelation about some pretty intense things. Things I have held deep inside me for quite some time. It’s not really that I didn’t want to touch those particular things, I didn’t know how. After some long talks with certain respected friends and mentors, a couple anxiety attacks, and a very tough decision to cut out most caffeine from my diet (as a result of the anxiety ... whoops), I’d like to share some of the things I’ve learnt.
It’s about to get all counsellor-like up in here ... back away while you still can!
I have found the act of “contemplation” a necessity in my life. Without some sort of quiet, thoughtful moments in my week, my anxiety compounds to an uncontainable point where I burst (enter anxiety attacks!). But in a culture that expects quick fixes, that sense of contemplative work of any kind seems counter-cultural. I admittedly feel guilty when I stop fussing about school work and take time to slow down.
All this preoccupied-ness that most of us experience, enslaves us. With our constant “work mentality” and identity found in performance, we become enslaved by human strivings, constantly craving self-management and mastery. As a counsellor, this is where I would turn my focus on my own achievements instead of the experience of walking with my clients through their sufferings. With this mindset, I have struggled through feelings of mediocrity. I’m desperately aware of my own insignificance to actually really help anyone in the counselling room. I’ve been made keenly aware that it is not my own efforts that people seek, because really, what does a young punk like me have to offer!? BUT, despite my own mediocrity, it is the formation of my identity in Christ, as a healer that moves me forward in my work. That identity doesn’t end with realization of my resilient self. That journey continues on to discover that true identity rests on who we are in Christ (2 Cor 5:17) and healing comes through grace of God (2 Cor 12:9-10). In this healing, I mean both my own and that of my clients ... and really everyone experiencing any sort of suffering.
When I begin to take times of rest in God’s presence, I am reminded of my identity as one created and loved by God. Like the Psalmists, a heart sitting in silence and solitude creates an opening for the body, mind, and spirit to become intertwined in seeking and singing the wonders of God. It becomes aware of it’s depth and becomes more grounded in its being, that being God. This is so significant! And surprisingly so difficult to do. There is something uncomfortable about just being with someone. Just enjoying their presence, not having to say anything or do anything in particular. It comes from that constant pre-occupation I mentioned before. In the busyness, we become unsure of who we are, we put on masks created by others and struggle to conform to their expectations in order to gain acceptance. To make this personal, I constantly feel like I have to prove myself in relationships, because if I don’t work hard then that relationship won’t happen. As a result, I have a really hard time believing that I don’t always have to do things for my friends to want to be around me. Sometimes simply my presence is enough. Sadly, I apply this model too with God. But I’m learning. Slowly, I’m learning to rest, to be present, accepting that I don’t always have to be doing.
Ok so I’m almost kinda done, bear with me just a little longer!
All these thoughts about not being able to be content in relationship lead my thoughts further to the general human condition. I’m not talking Human Nature, good vs evil stuff ... nah, I’m looking at this from the relational side. Obviously. So in Genesis, the very beginning of the Bible, Adam and Eve were created to be in perfect relationship with God. But, the couple being human, wanted more. So they ate that apple that the Snake gave them (apparently the innate distrust of snakes had not yet set in ... maybe that’s where it came from!?) thus creating a relational divide between humans and God. This divide made human kind exiles from our true home (with God) - estranged from our true identity (as children of God). Because we have lost this “first love”, everything we search of here are poor imitations of that eternal home in heaven. We try desperately to make this divide work, by placing other things into that space, creating a “second love” to fill in as our “first love” (that being the broken relationship with God) only to find ourselves broken hearted and disillusioned because of our meager attempts at self-management. We deceive ourselves into believing that second best is all that we can have and we are left wanting more, restless and determined to find the cure for our hurting souls.
Our acts of self-assertion replaces the “first love” with estrangement and compulsion to be in control. There is a constant urge to cave in to selfish desires and intentions. A constant doubt as to the sufficiency of God, and reliance on our own knowledge and skills, productivity, and self-importance. These things are so ingrained it is often hard to prevent their influence in everything we do. For me, this is where that sense of mediocrity stepped in. The belief that mediocrity is truly all I am good for. The idea that I don’t have the power to fight my bad habits or temptations, so why bother? There’s something so very satisfying about simply acknowledging temptations, feeling the “urges” to do things, say things, act a certain way ... and then just letting them pass by without letting them take control. It’s this act of losing control, in a very pure, simple sense. Not letting bad habits control us.
So to tie things together a little, when we let go of our constant need for self-management and mastery, when we let ourselves rest and be held in God’s presence, we lose control to Him. God’s display of utter regard of our well-bring is a lure toward this restful place where our goal is not self-mastery or self-assertion but surrender, and submission. From here, He begins to take control of our beings, rising us up from mediocrity and anxiety, into a place of peace, and focused attention on Him.
... Congratulations, you made it! I wanted to post a picture with this to lighten the mood, but nothing seemed to strike my fancy. Tough luck!
-chelsea.
(thoughts inspired by “The Contemplative Counselor” by R.Nolasco)
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