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mad hatter.


  The anger is setting in.  I want to punch, or kick pretty anything, my temper is short, I’m irritated by almost everything.  Mostly, I want to make “them” hurt as much as I’m hurting.  The “them” are those responsible for my Gavin’s death.  I want them to feel the loss, the emptiness, the unbearable hurt that I feel.  No amount of money is enough to pay for a life.  I’m having difficulty finding an outlet for this anger ... it’s maddening.  Going as hard as I can at the gym only satisfies so much these days.  I try to muster my anger and put it all into lifting, but it only seems to intensify my feelings. 

  The intensity of my emotions makes me crazy.  It’s either all or nothing.  Don’t get me wrong, I have days that are quite enjoyable, I laugh, I smile.  But often, more often then I’d like to admit, I’m either sad/angry or feel nothing at all.  The numbness is confusing.


Maybe I should take up kickboxing ...

 Where are you, Gavin my love?  Please come home ...

Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy

I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you.

Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?

I will love you unconditionally
And there is no fear now
Let go and just be free
'Cause I will love you unconditionally


"Unconditionally" - Katy Perry


-chelsea.

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