Alright troops, time for an honest glimpse into my life this week. I feel like I've come out of a dreadful week. Well, I have come out of a dreadful week. I dipped into some very dark moments, but life has a glimmer of hope again as I sit here at Gloria Jean's with a White Chocolate Mocha. Ready for it? It's not all daisies and sunshine :) Here we go.
Monday was a day, normal and unexciting. Monday night I woke up puking my guts out. It felt like literally. I could barely choke in a couple breaths between heaves. This continued for most of the night and left me weak and nauseated for the next couple days. By this time, I've probably complained to most of you of my strict rice-multivitamin-and-sometimes-egg diet, haha. I took 2.5 days of work because naturally I could hardly walk around the house. Turns out it's most likely a parasite (giardia) whom I have very unaffectionately named "Felix". When I'm not feeling nauseated, I can still only eat very little and energy levels are still minimal. It's Sunday today. On the plus side, I was able to gobble down some pancakes Friday night, and had an ice cream sundae today ... no adverse effects so far. Woohoo! Antibiotics are kicking in
Throughout my lazy days in bed, my thoughts took a negative spiral. "What am I even doing here? I don't even like teaching. Why didn't I do a surf/snowboard trip instead? Am I chasing a shadow?" and so on. Friday morning I awoke in an angry (and slightly depressed) rage. Everything was irritating me, everything made me want to cry. There are very little comforts from home, especially in the countryside. Everything is different. I'm adjusting to new routines, new climate, new lifestyle ... a new "Chelsea". "Canada Chelsea" doesn't work here, I've got to reinvent her for Cambodia. I'm used to a different schedule everyday, here it's the same 5 days a week. I'm used to being able to be mobile on my time off, meeting with friends whenever I want, here I'm hardly able to leave the property because there simply isn't anywhere to go or anyone to meet.
Culture shock at it's finest.
But despite all of that, I still do love Cambodia. Rescue is where I will be for the next 13 weeks of my life and even though I don't really know what effect I'm having, I'm here as a servant. Things will get easier, teaching will be a struggle at times, but I'm here. And I won't give up so easily. I know I can do this, or I wouldn't be here.
Somehow it's comforting to know that Cambodia, out of all South East Asian countries, has the highest burn-out/turn-over rate for missionaries. I'm not the only one feeling this heaviness! There absolutely is a spirit of oppression around Cambodia. It is physically exhausting. As I've said before, its easy not to notice it if your just passing through as a tourist. There's so much to distract that often the true depth of scarring that has been left is overlooked.
In all this, I've really learned to appreciate small victories and things that give me comfort. And not to feel guilty about enjoying a deliciously expensive (by Khmi standards) latte at the most Western coffee shop I can find. I do tend to overwhelm myself with the expectations I place on myself: "If I'm not going so hard I feel like I'm going to explode then I'm not doing my best." I'm learning to redefine this quality of myself. As Jenn has told me, "it's not about working hard, it's about working smart." In the sense that it's not about working myself till I burn-out in a disastrous fire-ball, but about being wise with my time and energy so the kids are taught and have fun and I don't feel like quitting at the end of everyday. Slowly, I am learning.
I have been so blessed with sooooo much encouragement from home this week. Many people have given me assurance and have helped me see Hope as I have called out for it. I know He's speaking through you guys!! Thanks for reminding me to "take heart", I know I'm not alone down here :) You will never truly know how much I appreciate and rely on your support.
Throughout all this, I am constantly inspired by the unified vision of everyone I've been meeting lately. God is moving here. The human race, I'm realizing, isn't as completely apathetic and complacent towards human suffering as I thought.
On a completely different note, Jenn and I and our friend Emily went to a shadow puppet/dance show last night. Pretty sick. All traditional puppets and dances and stuff. I advise you go some time.
Romans 15:13
-chelsea.
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| Friday pancakes! A decision I later regretted ... |
Throughout my lazy days in bed, my thoughts took a negative spiral. "What am I even doing here? I don't even like teaching. Why didn't I do a surf/snowboard trip instead? Am I chasing a shadow?" and so on. Friday morning I awoke in an angry (and slightly depressed) rage. Everything was irritating me, everything made me want to cry. There are very little comforts from home, especially in the countryside. Everything is different. I'm adjusting to new routines, new climate, new lifestyle ... a new "Chelsea". "Canada Chelsea" doesn't work here, I've got to reinvent her for Cambodia. I'm used to a different schedule everyday, here it's the same 5 days a week. I'm used to being able to be mobile on my time off, meeting with friends whenever I want, here I'm hardly able to leave the property because there simply isn't anywhere to go or anyone to meet.
Culture shock at it's finest.
But despite all of that, I still do love Cambodia. Rescue is where I will be for the next 13 weeks of my life and even though I don't really know what effect I'm having, I'm here as a servant. Things will get easier, teaching will be a struggle at times, but I'm here. And I won't give up so easily. I know I can do this, or I wouldn't be here.
Somehow it's comforting to know that Cambodia, out of all South East Asian countries, has the highest burn-out/turn-over rate for missionaries. I'm not the only one feeling this heaviness! There absolutely is a spirit of oppression around Cambodia. It is physically exhausting. As I've said before, its easy not to notice it if your just passing through as a tourist. There's so much to distract that often the true depth of scarring that has been left is overlooked.
In all this, I've really learned to appreciate small victories and things that give me comfort. And not to feel guilty about enjoying a deliciously expensive (by Khmi standards) latte at the most Western coffee shop I can find. I do tend to overwhelm myself with the expectations I place on myself: "If I'm not going so hard I feel like I'm going to explode then I'm not doing my best." I'm learning to redefine this quality of myself. As Jenn has told me, "it's not about working hard, it's about working smart." In the sense that it's not about working myself till I burn-out in a disastrous fire-ball, but about being wise with my time and energy so the kids are taught and have fun and I don't feel like quitting at the end of everyday. Slowly, I am learning.
I have been so blessed with sooooo much encouragement from home this week. Many people have given me assurance and have helped me see Hope as I have called out for it. I know He's speaking through you guys!! Thanks for reminding me to "take heart", I know I'm not alone down here :) You will never truly know how much I appreciate and rely on your support.
Throughout all this, I am constantly inspired by the unified vision of everyone I've been meeting lately. God is moving here. The human race, I'm realizing, isn't as completely apathetic and complacent towards human suffering as I thought.On a completely different note, Jenn and I and our friend Emily went to a shadow puppet/dance show last night. Pretty sick. All traditional puppets and dances and stuff. I advise you go some time.
Romans 15:13
-chelsea.
Haha, I also just remembered a funny moment. After The Dreadful Night, Jenn walked into our room in the morning and said she had found a mouse swimming in the toilet (no doubt nibbling on remains!) and didn't know what to do so flushed it down. So if our toilet was plugged, it was the mouse!! We both had a good chuckle, haha. (Turns out, the mouse fit just fine all the way down the pipes).
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